J^^^^^*mp^^SSes^9ee^i St Chester A. Arthur and Rutherford B. "WIT AND HUMOR. Delayed letters. Hayes are now the only ex-Presidents of the United States living. A 2-cent cigarette never feels so "In view of the fact that over 50,- NEW ULM MINN. cheap as when it is being sucked by a 000,000 parcels of mail matter are annually delivered from this office, and 1-centdude. At 2 o'clock last Wednesday morning over 200,0X30,000 annually sent from it, a hot wave swept through Carver. JOS. BOBLETEE, Editor & Proprietor. A vegetarian writes: "Immorality is it strange," said Postmaster Tobey The Free Press says mercury indicated lurks in mutton-chops, brutality in to a Globe reporter, yesterday, "that 100 degrees. Carver must be located beef, perverseness in poultry, and villany errors occasionally occur? near sheol. Wednesday', Aug. 5, 1885. in veal" Same at our boardinghouse.Travelers' "There is one thing," continued the Magazine. DSA&V8 ssr They say that thunder storms spread Postmaster, "that we constantly impress Frank James is just now a drawing A New Jersey man wants a divorce on the minds of our employes, card at the meetings held at Plattsburg, the cholera in Italy. because his wife hasn't spoken to him and that is that they must at all times Mo., by the Rev. Sam Jones, the DRY GOODS & for nearly two years. Some men don't be courteous and polite, however irritating noted revivalist Frank is bound to Cholera is still on the increase in know when they are well off.Henpecked I the public may be, when supposing stay in front. Editor Norristown Herald. Spain. 2,049 new cases and 849 deaths the management of the office at occurred last Saturday. "Ah! you flatter me," lisped a dude fault It would be an act of simple All the barbed wire manufacturers to a pretty girl with whom he was conversing. justice on the part of any one who may have formed a pool, the object being to "No, I don't," was the reply. Maud S. last Thursday, at the Glenville have cause for complaint, real or imaginary, NOTIONS advance prices. Protection is what "You couldn't be any flatter than to make it known to the Postmaster track at Cleveland, Ohio, made a you are."Burlington Free Press. they want, and they'll need it, for the direct, thereby giving him the mile in 2:08|, beating her previous record opportunity to investigate the matter, To write for all time is the ambition wrath of the farmer is mighty. by half a second. and apply a remedy, if any is needed, of every author. The man who originated instead of complaining to the public, the series of negro-minstrel jokes Louis Riel, the leader of the Canadian The new grain inspection law, passed and creating a very erroneous impression is the only one up to date who has apparently rebellion, whose trial was concluded by the last legislature, went into effect as to the efficiency of the service succeeded in his endeavor. last Saturday, has been found guilty generally. last Saturday. Whether the end Hon/ Charles Carroll, of Shawneetown, Embroideries. "The statement that letters are often and sentenced to be hanged on the 18th sought wall be attained, can only be has our thanks for a a neat and delayed at this office is an erroneous of September. During the absence of well-executed check. We transferred told by the results. one. It will be seen at a glance that it into bacon, and are transferring the the jury Riel sat on everyone of the the original fault is with the senders in bacon into brawn and brains.Benton Gov. Hubbard last Saturday appointed jurors' chairs and prayed fervently on not prepaying at least one rate of postage. {III.) Herald. a committee to represent the State If one full rate is paid, namely, each, then sprinkled them with holy A little Williamstown girl had the 2 cents, no matter how much more of Minnesota at the funeral obsequies water. The opinion prevails that the White Goods, whoopin-cough, and when she recovered postage may be required, the letter of Gen. Grant. The committee embraces sentence of death will be carried out. from it she said she was glad she will be delivered at once, and the deficient the senators and members of didn't die while she had the whoopingcough, amount collected on delivery. because "God would not like to On Monday last Rufus Sprague, of congress and several other gentlemen. If to be delivered in the city the carrier have little coughing angels." Zumbro Falls, discovered two young must pay the postage before taking At a recent lecture delivered in a Buring a storm on Mount McGregor it from the office and collect it from bear cubs in a cave near his place, and Massachusetts town Anna Dickinson's the addressee on delivery. This, as last Thursday evening lightning entered as they were yet of tender agenot audience consisted of one auditor and you will see, occasions no delay." the Grant residence. Several persons having their eyes openhe took them that a dude. Anna said it paid. Of llmn,[ "How if the letter is addressed to a near by were prostrated and the course it did how was it to get in if it home with him, and hopes to be able to box?" electric light above the casket was extinguished. didn't pay? Yonkers Statesman. "In that case a notice is at once raise them. He at once proceeded to placed in the box requesting the addressee "No interruption of business on account set a bear trap at the cave,and on Monday to call at section three in the of the weather" is the motto a night had the satisfaction of also post-office, pay the extra postage and Kalamazoo hen nailed above her nest, In the list of consuls that President capturing the old mother, which he receive the letter. Neither is any delay and when the mercury was 32 degrees Cleveland will retain on account of occasioned by this. It is not a redtape killed. below zero she came off with a brood Ladies' and Gent's their excellent records we find the regulation of the Boston postoffice, of young chickens. Detroit (Mich.) name of Gen. Oscar Malmrose of Leith, but a postal law, requiring full Post. The Waseca Radical says .the Railroad payment of postage to be made on all Scotland. The General's many Minnesota "What amused me most at the op- commissioners found parties on mail matter before delivery. These FURNISHINGGOODS, friends will be pleased to know era," said an Arab Chief who had been the Southern Minnesota road taking 62 letters I have referred to are known in taken to hear "Faust," "was one of the that he is not to be disturbed. pounds of wheat for a bushel, and 52 the department as 'short-paid letters.' musicians in the orchestra, seated a little The letters upon which full rate has pounds for a bushel of barley, while higher than the rest, who performed A new disease has appeared among not been paid are designated as *heldfor-postage on an invisible instrument with a the standard for wheat is 60 and barley letters,' and cannot be delivered the cattle in Michigan. The first sign stick." 48. If the commissioners succeed by law until the full postage is of the disease is groaning as if in great In a recent breach of promise suit paid by either the writer or the addressee. in unearthing many such swindles the JJOTtCEWE pain. This continues from twenty-four the "course of true love" was traced in When the writer's address is people will conclude that the money this manner: "Dear Mr. Smith," "My to forty-eight hours, when they expire. on the envelope the letter is at once returned the State pays them for salaries is not darling John," "My own darling for the necessary postage, but Post mortem examination invariably John," "My darling John," "Dear wholly thrown away. if the envelope does not bear the address shows the lining of the stomach John," "Dear Sir," "Sir," and all was of the writer a notice is at once entirely eaten away, as by acid. over. sent to the addressee. COMMENCE NOW TO REDUCE THE PRICES OF The Sioux City & Pacific railroad is The Lowell Times notes the fact that now completed to Chadron, distant "The latter system is certainly a The Iowa City State Press prints a the Civil War broke out and roller vast improvement over the former law from Deadwood 125 miles. It is expected MOST OF OCR GOODS, IN ORDER TO MAKE ROOM FOR list of crimes committed in Iowa during skates were invented the same year. requiring held-for-postage letters not that the road will be pushed This is true, but the war did its worst the year in which liquor prohibition bearing the address of the writer to be OITR this season 45 miles beyond the present and stopped in four years, while roller sent to the Dead Letter Office, from has been in operation, showing that IMMENSE FALL STOCK, skates continue to plunder and murder terminus, which would bring Deadwood which the addressees were notified that, there were 62 cases of homicide and even up to this time.Boston Post. upon receipt of the necessary postage, within 80 miles of railroad communication. 100 cases of suicide, and scores of cases their letters would be forwarded to Robinson (at the window)Hullo! Pierre being 210 miles from of rape and incest. The State Press them. This, of course, occasioned There goes that woman Brown's so Deadwood, the travel to and from the much unnecessary delay. The Boston WHICH IS EXPECTED ABOUT SEPT. 1st. concludes that prohibition has not dead sweet on! Mrs. R. (rushing up Hills will naturally go via the Sioux post office, under its present management, with excitement) Where? who? minimized crime in the least was the second office in the where? What, thatin the gray City & Pacific. CALL IN NOW AND SECURE SOME RARE BARGAINS. country to adopt the system of card Why, George, how ridiculous you are! One of the most unique mourning notices I have described to you, and, That's his wife! RobinsonExactly, It is said that three or four thickness decorations is a draped wooden shanty by demonstrating its advantages to the my dear!Punch. WE HAVE A FULL STOCK OF of common wire mosquito-netting, department, it was the means of its introduction in New York, where a colored "professor" An Irishmen, recently over, entered painted or unpainted, and laid upon throughput the country. blacks boots for five cents. The Crockery, Glassware, a barber shop in Main street, Danbury, one another, are utterly impervious to "If a letter bearing the address of Friday for a shave. After the barber outside of the shanty was blackened the writer, and addressed to a street lightning. No substance, whether liquid was through he asked the customary with rosettes. A cheap engraving of and number in Boston, can not be deliveredno question: "Have bay rum, sir?" "No, or solid, however combustible, inflammable Grant on the door bears the significent such party being known Knives, Forks and Spoons, sorthe fact is, sor, I've just had a or explosive, that is protected a circular is sent to the writer stating flass inscription, "He helped to set me of beer, an' don't loike mixin' by a covering of this material can the reason for its non-delivery and rinks."Hartford Times. free." It is a touching if humble tribute asking for a correct address. On an possibly suffer in anywise from lightning to the dead hero. "Examiner"Now, if I were to give average about twenty-five of those circulars or from any accidental spark or fifty marbles in charge of this boy" Pocket Knifes, Pipes, Purses, are sent out every day, and in (indicating the biggest), "to divide jet of flame from without. almost every instance they are returned The case that will inclose the coffin equally amongst you, how many would with the information that the letters of Gen. Grant is being made in Troy, you each receive?" Small boy (of experience)"Please, The day after Gen. Grant's death, a were intended for some other city. New York. It is of fine Bessemer steel ETC., ETC., ETC. sir, we shouldn't They are then forwarded as requested. citizen of Huron, Dak., made the following get none at all 'cause he'd collar them and weighs 700 pounds. In form it is "Charges of red tape in this office assertion: "Many a dead confederate all hisself."London Punch. cylinder eight feet long and three and and delay in the transmission of mail soldier was as good a man as DON FORGET THE PLACE, "I see," remarked Farmer Hoedown matter are not true," concluded Mr. one-half feet in diameter, but flattened U.S.Grant." A gentleman standing of Hackensack to his wife the other day Tobey, "and in all cases where letters on one side to give the coffin a secure Br. Kuetzing, as he was reading his morning paper, are detained it will be found due to in front of him said to him "Sir will resting place. The ends are closed by i "that Prof. Foiiem of London says negligence of the senders."Boston you please stand up," he arose and fencin' is healthy exercise for girls. Steele plates, but one end is a door with Globe. was no sooner on his feet than he was Now that's what I told Melindyand a self-closing clasp on the inside. The Mary Jane when we was a laying that knocked down and kicked so severely case is air-water and burglar proof. MINN. ST.. NEW ULM, MINN Harvard College has in three years thousand-rod worm-fence last fall?" that he had to be carried to his room. When the door, is closed the case cannot received gifts amounting to nearly Our War Cry is Boots and Shoes. The following order for a block of We know a man in Brown county that $1,100,000. be opened without many hours' teeth has been recewpd by a dentist of should be served the same way. work. It is the second thing of its Triangle, N. Y.: "My mouth is three inches acro&t, inches through the kind ever made in this country. Men of Talent to Set the Fashion. Hon. Wm. Bickel, who is about to jaw solas humocky on the edge be succeeded in the internal revenue A man need be neither rich, handsome 'TIS NOT IN MORTALS TO COMMAND SUCCESS: Bl shaped like a horseshoe, toe forward. nor shapely to dress elegantly, or The Bend court martial came to a collector's office by Mr. Bierman, can If you want mu to be more partik'lar I even set a fashion. Though a good income wMORE, $ tm$IT. WE'LL DO WE'LL DESERVE A* sudden and unexpected end on Monday shel hav to cum than Yours truly, retire from office with the full knowledge is desirable, the art of dressing of last week. After the writ of prohibition that he has done his full duty by lies not in expensiveness, but appr "What's that you have in your had been served on the members the government and the people. He priateness, finish, and that illusive hand?" asked Mrs. Gimlet of her husband something that the world calls style of the court by Col. Bend's attorney, has been an efficient and courteous as he brought home a roll of manuscript. and philosophers character. not Judge Advocate Tawney read an order official, and not one who has dealings "Brains, madam," replied born in a man it can be arrived at only Ten Minutes is not a very long time, but it is suffi- from the Governor dissolving the court. with the office but what will regret his Mr. Gimlet pompously. "Are you surprised with vast pains, and even then a man at that fact?" "Not in the Later in the day Governor Hubbard issued retirement Although Mr. Bickel goes will often dress less well than his valet cient/or us to convince you that we have least," she replied. "I knew you It is only when garments seem exactly an order revoking Col. Bend's out by the decree of President Cleveland, A PRIZE! didn't carry them in your head."N. to express a man's true self, unconsciously commission and deposing him of his his duties as cashier of the Germania T. Graphic. when they are at once effective command, on the ground of insubordination. Bank require so much of his and unaffected are entirely harmonious, Schulze"Hast thou already from We believe Col. Bend would time and personal attention that it easy and appropriate, and, the paper heard in regard to thy to it TO OFFER EVERY MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD THAT above all, are suggestive rather than have fared better had he gone to trial sent communication?" Mueller "I would have been a question of only a conspicuous, that they are artistic, distinguished received yesterday a letter from the editor, WISHES TO SAVE MONEY. A VISIT TO OUR STORE AND I upon the merits of the case, which, few months when he would have stepped and of ethical value. In in which he to me his thanks expressed however, he was not disposed to do. down and out of his own accord. Mr. other words, what looks well on one AN INSPECTION OF OUR GOODS WILL RESULT IN YOUR Schulze"Then congratulate Bickel has a habit of doing well whereever man won't look well on all men. But I but let me see, what writes he Investigation! Nego ti atio! only a few recognize the great truth or then?" Mueller"Thankfully returned."Omnibus. you place him, and to him alone is No change has been made in the have courage to practice it. Therefore, due the credit of bringing the Germania program of Gen. Grant's funeral as Admiration! Gratificat io! the man who dresses to correctly A tramp stopped at a house in the into the front rank of Minnesota suit himself is certain to produce a result published last week, except that Riverside suburbs of Houston and said to the lady banking institutions. that will be copied by others who Your prize will be secured, our success assured and park lias finally been decided upon of the house: "Please give a poor man admire it without regard to whether it who is traveling and who is far away as the place of interment for the General's suits them or not. This is how men of your trade procured, because ait Investigation of our from home a trifle to help pay his expenses." Editors in Council. remains, which gives better satisfaction talent set a fashion, and why it requires "If you havenM got any men of talent to do it. Bai'gains will excite your Admiration, lead to a Nego- than the site first talked of in money to pay your expenses, why do The nineteenth annual meeting of Central P.uk. The spot selected is. at yon travel?"she asked in astonishment 1 the Minnesota Editorial Association tiation and result in your immense Gratification. Texas Sif tings. One Hundred and Twenty fifth street, was held in the hall of the House of Webster's Eyes. the highest elevation in the park. It Yes, yes, my son, I know. Sundayschool A BIGBARGAIN! Representatives, St. Paul, July 28tii. It Mr. Allen, in his article on Daniel lemonade is awfully thin. But commands a superb view of the Hudsou, at, the largest gather ng of acnal Webster in the last Century, writes a it isn't half so thin as the jokes that are East and Harlem rivers, Long Island correspondent to The Boston Advertiser, newspaper men ever assembled in the made about it. That way out, please. Sound and the Palisades. Ultimately mentions his "great, soft eyes," as being Straight to the right mind the step, that will interest and please you, now awaits you in our Stare, and considerable bus.ness was a suitable monument will be it's rather dark. Ah. there he goes peculiarly attractive to children. transacted. The fol\\in officers down the elevator well. Another good This reminds me of an incident which erected, and no liner site for it could were elected for the en&u n"* year: humorist gone Yrrong.Burdetle in may perhaps show that those eyes had be chosen. It will be the most conspicuous Brooklyn Eagle. sometimes a different effect. Mr. Webster PresidentH. A. Castle, St. Paul. ol ject for miles arunud. The was once spending the summer in a of Boots, Shoes, Rubbers, Vice PresidentsA. W. McKinstry, President has designated tue following town near Boston, and, as was his custom, The report of the Inspector of factories Faubault Robert Miller, Fergus Falls attended church regularly, both gentlemen to act as pall bearers: Gen. and workshops for the State of New Slippers, etc. Styles New! A. N. Dare, Elk River. morning and afternoon. On one occasion W. T. Sherman, U. S. A. Lieut. Gen. Jersey, which has just been published, it fell to the lot of an unfledged TreasurerDavid RamaleylSt Paul. says that the children in these institutions Philip H. Sheridan, U. S. A. 5 Admiral Goods the Best! Prices the youth to try his wings in that pulpit. Rec. SecretaryC. M. Morse, Lake are lamentably lacking. This David D. Porter, U. S. N. Vice Admiral He rose, as was natural, with some opinion is founded on questions put to Benton. trepidation, to begin the service. This Stephen C. Rowan, U. S. N. Gen. Lowest! them. One of the questions was, "Who Cor. SecretaryT. M. Newson, St. trepidation gradually increased, till toward Joseph E. Johnston of Virginia, Gen. was George Washington?" and some of the close of the hymn he faltered Paul. the answers were as follows: "He is a Swaim B. Buckner of Kentucky.Hamilton perceptibly, and as he sat down by the good man." "He chased the Indians On Tuesday evening the editors were Fish of New York, George S. Boutwell minister of the parish, he whispered: away. "He died a few years ago." Ikfv feasted at the hotel Ryan, by the Northwestern of Massachusetts, Geo. W. Childs "Doctor, I don't know to whom those "He is President" "I saw his pict- Newspaper Union, and on eyes belong which are directly facing of Pennsylvania, John A. Logan of ure." "Heis a high man in war." me, but they are quite too much for Wednesday they enjoyed an excursion F^i Illinois, George Jones of New York, "He never told a lie." "He discovered me and I can not preach." Mr. Webster tfh- on beautiful Lake Minnetonka, returning America." "Th best man who Oliver Hoyt of New York. was responsible -for an extemporaneous The Leading Boot and Shoe Merchl ever lived." home in the evening.^, discourse that morning, -4& Maria T-